Or How Not to Repeat the Same New Year’s Resolutions Year After Year
by Earnest L. Tan
“Promises are made to be broken.”
“What’s the point in making New Year’s resolutions if I am going to break them anyway?”
“Change is difficult.”
“It will never work!”
“I can’t change!”
Do these phrases sound familiar to you? These are some of the thoughts that echo in our head when we have given up on change. Sadly these reflect the voice of cynicism. This means that we have perhaps attempted to make changes in the past but failed miserably. As a result, we see no point in trying again. We end up therefore feeling hopeless and resigned. These however resurface each time we are confronted with a new year. This is the time of the year where we often feel either obliged or challenged to plan for change in our lives. Our past frustrations and fears however pre-empt us from trying again.
In planning for change, we must accept first and foremost the fact that it is not going to be easy. A common mistake is to expect for miracles. We wish to get immediate results. The worst part is to expect these results without even putting in any effort. Let me therefore propose some basic guidelines for those of you who are planning to make some changes in your life this New Year. Following these may ensure a greater chance of success. My hope is that with each success, you may find the courage to attempt more changes for the better in your life.
Guideline # 1: For change to happen, you must WILL it to happen.
Will is defined by M. Scott Peck as “a desire that is put into action.”
Change begins when we desire to change. You have to want it so much that it can happen. It is rather easy to say I will change. But oftentimes we ourselves are not convinced. Sometimes change is only considered because we are being pressured by others. Other times, we aim to please the ones we love. Our motivations most often stem from fear and guilt. All these seldom work. A basic truth is to remember: We are all responsible for our own lives! No one therefore can change us unless we want to. Change lies in our hands. And the change must come from a genuine belief that this change is something that will truly benefit us (and others) and that we wish to do this because we genuinely care for ourselves (and others). The fruit of change is borne out of a motivation that arises from love that is found within us.
There was a time that I cared so much for a friend that I eagerly jumped in to help him make some changes. At that time, I wanted to encourage him to stop smoking, being a non-smoker myself. So I suggested that he replaced the cigarette sticks with an e-cigarette. I even went to the extent to buy him that item as a gift. In the end, I realized that he was obeying me simply because he did not want to disappoint me. Left on his own, he went back to his habit. Although he appreciated my intentions, there was no desire on his part to change his habit in the first place.
In contrast, I saw a film one time on interventions. This is a therapeutic strategy to convince people who are ruined by their addictions to want change and seek help. There was the case of a grandfather whose addiction had gone so bad that he would pass out on the porch the whole night. A group of concerned family members and co-workers gathered to send the message across: you need help! Each plea was however met with defences. “I have no problems with drinking.” “I just drank a little!” “I am okay.” Just when the situation seemed futile, the granddaughter in tears made this appeal: “Grandpa, we are doing this because we love you! We care about you!” That was the moment when the camera panned to the face of the elderly man a tear was seen glistening in his eyes. He felt the genuine concern of his beloved grandchild. It was then that he succumbed: “Okay, I am going to seek help!”
Together with this desire is to actually take action. Otherwise they remain as mere intentions or wishes. In the case of the grandfather, it was to visit a therapist. It may take several more steps before he can completely overcome his alcoholism. But the important thing is that he is taking the first step. Whatever change you are considering, it would be wise to ask yourself the following questions:
- Do I really want to change this behavior of mine?
- What is motivating me to change this behavior?
- Am I doing this out of fear or guilt? Or am I considering this out of love for myself and others?
- What benefits do I see in making this change?
- How badly do I want to gain from these benefits?
- What steps must I undertake to make these changes happen?
- What steps have I already undertaken to begin the process of change?
Guideline # 2: State your targeted change in terms of behaviours and ensure that these pass the SMOAR criteria.
Changes are never successful when they are expressed in general terms. For example, it is very hard to make changes when your objectives are stated in the following manner:
“I want to be more disciplined!”
“I want to be rich!”
“I want to be happy!”
Specify the change you desire in behavioral terms that passes through the SMOAR criteria. SMOAR is actually an acronym that stands for the following:
S – Is the target behavioral change something that is specific?
M – Is the target behavioral change something that is measurable?
O – Is the target behavioral change something that is observable?
A – Is the target behavioral change something that is attainable?
R – Is the target behavioral change something that is realistic?
A common New Year’s resolution is about weight loss that is connected to our eating habits. State therefore your objectives utilizing these criteria. In place of saying “from now on, I will eat healthy!” which is too general, say: “Each day, I will make sure that I will only eat three times a day and that my diet will consist of one fourth portion equivalent to a cup of carbohydrates, i.e. rice or pastas, one fourth portion of protein, i.e. meat or fish, one fourth vegetables and one fourth fruits.” This statement is definitely specific, can be measured and observed and seems attainable. The only question that remains is if this plan is realistic for you. Granting that snacking is part of our culture, you may want for example to give some leeway in this aspect. Or if you have been consuming large amounts of rice, you may want to check if cutting down to a cup of rice is possible to apply at once. Perhaps the plan to gradually reduce the amount of rice, i.e. from three cups to two and a half to two until it becomes one cup, may be more feasible.
Guideline # 3: Plan a schedule of reinforcement that associates the attainment of targeted behavior with pleasure and the presence of undesirable behavior with pain.
Anthony Robbins, a well-known motivational speaker, adapts some basic principles from Behavioral Psychology as his formula for success in his book, Awakening the Giant Within. Some of the key elements that he cited are:
- Any pattern of behavior that is continually reinforced will become an automatic and conditioned response. Anything we fail to reinforce will eventually dissipate.
- Reinforcement is responding to a behavior immediately after it occurs, while punishment and reward may occur long afterward. Timing is everything!
- Make certain pain is fully associated with the old behavioral pattern. Make certain that pleasure is fully associated with the new behavioral pattern.
- Find a new, empowering alternative for getting yourself out of pain and into pleasure that is as powerful and convenient as your old approach was.
Our behaviors are basically products of conditioning. The more they are reinforced, the more they persist in our lifestyle. The secret is to plan that every new behavior we wish to adopt is producing pleasure. The old and undesirable behavior in contrast is perceived as the one causing us pain. This sounds logical since many smokers report that the reason they cannot stop this habit is because they find so much pleasure in it. Some even go to the extent to say that they cannot think well if they do not smoke. They have already associated smoking with productivity. Notice however that each time a smoker smokes and he or she experience physical pain, his or her smoking will eventually dissipate.
We cannot however afford to wait for natural causes to condition our behaviors. Sometimes it may be too late such as in the case of smoking. The physical pain may already be a symptom of lung cancer. In behavioral change, we can already plan by designing positive and negative reinforcements. Some radical strategies even involve burning a hundred peso bill each time a stick is lighted by the smoker. But we need not go that far. We can for instance decide that if we reduce from twelve sticks a day to half for the whole week, we can first grant ourselves positive reinforcements by patting ourselves on the back, announce it to our family members, and they reinforce it with a gift of a fifty peso bill. By the end of the week, you have a total amount of three hundred fifty pesos which entitles you to reward yourself with something that you really like or enjoy. You can treat yourself to a movie or a nice meal. On the other hand, each time you fail to reach your targeted behavior, you can decide to withhold some activities that you enjoy. If you love a particular TV show, you can contract family members to take away that privilege from you.
As a footnote, it may be also important to distinguish your reinforcements in terms of extrinsic and intrinsic rewards. The fifty peso bill, the TV show that you anticipate and the movie treat are all extrinsic. It would be wise as you continue with the behavioral change to take note of intrinsic rewards. Some smokers who have reduced smoking actually report feeling more energetic and alive. The very thought also that you have successfully altered this habit in itself can induce a sense of joy, confidence and pride that you can anchor on.
Guideline # 4: Celebrate and savor successes whether big or small and remind yourself that more than reaching the goal is the joy of the journey itself.
Much of the failure in change is rooted in grandiose plans and unrealistic goals and expectations. Make sure that in guidelines two and three, you plan for baby steps. These are small efforts but they get you closer to your target. And with each step, program it to succeed. Success albeit small in itself is a reinforcement to keep us going. Periodically claim these successes. This is why we have a quotation that goes this way: “God gives us memories so that we may have roses in December!” When the going gets tough, we can count on these past triumphs to encourage and inspire us to go on.
Martin Seligman, the founder of Positive Psychology, offers us some techniques known as Savoring. These can be adopted for our purpose:
- Absorption. This refers to our ability to immerse in the joy of the moment. At times we have made some strides, but we begin to focus on what we failed to do (past) and what else we have to do (future). We end up sabotaging the joy of the moment. With success, stay with it. When a good thing gets going, savor it. Like delicious food, we do not just swallow. We chew on it. Ninanamnam muna.
- Sharpening Perception. This is similar to absorption but is focused on learning to dwell on the positive and blocking out all forms of “kill-joy” thinking. At times we have done well but we douse our happiness or our sense of pride by telling ourselves: “That was just pure luck!” “It won’t ever happen again!” or “You succeeded only because the circumstances made it easy for you.”
- Self-congratulation. This is being proud of your accomplishments by learning to offer yourself praise and recognition. We need not wait for someone to pat us on the back. We pat ourselves on the back. There were times when I survived a seminar despite my low energy and moods. The fact that I was able to do my job is reason enough to congratulate myself. So I bought myself a sundae cone as a reward.
- Sharing with someone. This is deriving pleasure by inviting another person to cherish the precious moment with you. One time I was able to celebrate with a woman her courage to overcome the “mistress” syndrome as she succeeded in letting go of her relationship with a married man. This was not an easy thing for her to do. She had learned to love this man. But she shared the various difficulties that she had to hurdle in order to let go. We capped her achievement with a wonderful and sumptuous meal.
- Memory-building. This is taking actual or mental pictures so that you can further reminisce on your successes. When you succeed in weight loss, just looking at your pictures before and after can bring so much joy. This is already a positive reinforcement as the desired results are visible. In an article in Psychology Today, they refer to this as “filling up our Ego Room.” It said that sad and lonely will be the person that in his or her old age will enter his or her Ego Room and find it empty. These are the ones who will grow old with bitterness.
Earlier we have said that change is not easy. We did not however say that change is impossible. Anything is possible. But we need to put in effort to make it happen. I would like therefore to conclude this article with a hopeful quotation from Henry David Thoreau. He says: “I know of no more encouraging fact than the unquestionable ability of (the human person) to elevate (his or her) life by a conscious endeavour.” To the cynics who have given up on change, I beg you to reconsider. We have the ability. That is unquestionable as Thoreau claims. We just need to make this a conscious endeavour. Hopefully the guidelines offered here will support you in your quest for change. Good luck then in your journey of planning and making change in this new year!
Earnest L. Tan is a licensed Guidance Counselor and Formation Professional. He is also a freelance facilitator who conducts various workshop-seminar that are psycho-spiritual in nature. He is the author of Why I Love Pope Francis, Pope Francis Close to Our Hearts and Your Greatest Gift for Your Greatest Love. He is also a contributor of FilCatholic.org.
