The importance of touch and intimacy.
by Maria Lourdes A. de Vera, RN
Over a cup of tea and pie, I had a nice discussion on empowering young children against sexual abuse and unwanted teenage pregnancy with Dra. Alicia Tameses, a consultant and former Medical Director of Fe del Mundo Hospital and department head of Philippine Children’s Hospital and St. Luke’s Hospital. It was a delight to exchange ideas. For further information and management of similar cases, Dra. Tameses can be contacted in the above-mentioned hospitals.
Before I took up Nursing and Psychology, I have come across a number of girls who were repeatedly abused by their fathers, brothers, or uncles. They shared their horrific experiences from childhood. I was also young at that time and my ears were not yet desensitized or sanitized to these experiences. Back in high school, I looked upon it as a violation of space-body sense. Personally known to me, the sensitivity of the matter became sensible. I have seen how it destroys a family, makes a woman bitter and incapable of forming happy relationships, and the social consequences any girl goes through or the stigma that comes with it.
As I took my graduate studies on Guidance and counseling I began to fully understand the dynamics of sexual abuse. I worked as a Clinical Instructor for nursing students, I met more girls who were abused or molested. As I moved from a College professor to a grade school teacher, I am once again confronted with molested young girls. Helping them extended to their mothers and grandmothers find healing and restore a healthy sense of self-esteem.
Raising sexually healthy children does not mean intellectualizing the concept of human sexuality or moralizing behavior. It is not about the swimming sperms and the waiting ova. Raising awareness includes a healthy body sense, a proper view of sex and the value of intimacy and openness in a relationship.
As most parents tend to focus on stereotyping behavior as right and wrong. Fixating on right-ness and wrong-ness is relative to culture and tradition. Love and care transcends all cultural expressions of affection. What every child needs to learn is to develop sufficient sensitivity to see for themselves what is appropriate in any given situation. In adult relationships it transforms into the capacity for insight for and intimacy that crosses all cultural barriers and levels of social classes.
How parents regard their children is also a big factor. Some fathers think of their daughters as possession that they can use including their bodies.
The best examples are the parents and the best time starts from infancy. The important things that we teach children about physical pleasure – Touch, love and trust are naturally observed from the day babies were held in their parents’ arms. When you cuddle or feed them, hum a lullaby or put them on the bed. Every gesture teaches the baby a profound lesson on gentleness and unconditional love.
True enough children need to know the facts of life. But more importantly raising confident, compassionate and kind children will help them how to behave in their adult relationships. What the child experienced in any previous situation will eventually translate into how children will behave in their future relationships. Generalizing itself in many ways including the child’s response to sexual situations. Children grow learning thoughtfulness, respect and courtesy along the way which flows in all aspects of behaviour in adult relationships. Respecting the child’s space and body sense from infancy goes a long way to adulthood translating itself about who cares her and how they respond to her needs.
During infancy the baby experiences sensual delight when parents massages the legs with oil, bathes them or sniff their neck or arms, rub their noses on their cheek or tummy and tickle their tiny little feet. All the things that parents do that gives them pleasurable sensation is teaching the child a valuable lesson about another person’s touch. When, why and how it is done to them.
Being aware of the child’s responses to your touch is also important. Babies respond differently from one another. All baby boys and girls have reflexive sexual responses in place early on from infancy. Baby boys have a more conspicuous sexual responses – such as erections. Babies observe and learn from their parents responses. Babies are extremely sensitive to non-verbal communication and touch. After the child learns how call names, it is about time that they learn about their body parts using the correct terms and proper names. Parents must be comfortable with the terms used. Withholding the proper names of the genitals implies it as taboo. It could lead to unhealthy understanding and the lack of confidence and comfort in discussing sex related matters in the future.
Not all babies want to be cuddled as much as other infants. Not all infants are open to be carried by different people at a time. They have different temperaments as well that must be recognized and respected.
Running and roaming around, rolling or lying on the floor totally naked are some of the things that a three year old would enthusiastically and exuberantly do. Toddlers love to barge in wherever you are or follow you everywhere. Learning about boundaries, space, privacy and public can now be introduced to children. The sense for private behaviours can now be taught by telling children that you need privacy in the toilet. That there are certain things that can be done in common or public places. In doing so, the child will understand what boundaries are. Where there are boundaries the concept of space is identified.
Body sense or space is learned when parents show respect for the child’s need for boundaries too. Most common example is when children do not want to be kissed or want to dress up on their own. That desire must be respected. When parents respect the boundaries set by the child they learn to respect their own personal space and boundaries. In effect they learn how to say “NO”. They learn not to allow other people dominate their personal space or needs which results to being attentive to their own needs first.
The sense for privacy is fostered when parents respect the child’s need to use the bathroom on their own. Developing a healthy body sense is largely determined by how parents treat the space of the child. As the child grows up they need to be given more independence and more decision-making power. Setting standards that is appropriate for children is necessary at certain age levels and the best way to convey good values to children is to spend time with them. Creating structure and rules make them feel safe. Consistency makes children feel stable and secured.
By setting a good example the child learns the value of touch and see the difference of intimacy versus sexual pleasure alone. Forming a happy and loving relationships are first seen from their parents’ hugs and passing kisses. The manner by how couples relate with one another largely determine how children will express and feelings and gestures of affection. Kindness and thoughtfulness are seen and felt. Children learn how to ask and respond appropriately in relationships over time. Raising sexually healthy children is treating them with respect and empathy.
In raising children, avoid stereotyping behaviours for boys and girls.
Young boys who grew up in homes with least physical and emotional closeness experience difficulty with intimacy and inability to express affection in a non-sexual way. Discomfort in forming and maintaining relationships. Sexually healthy boys are able to recognize his own feelings. Foster empathy and teach boys and girls have a right to say wait or no. Encourage boys to express their full range of feelings including tears, pain, fear, humiliation, failure and rejection as well as love, joy and need. Appreciate and affirm them when they are kind, gentle and considerate of others.
Low self-esteem and poor body image are common problems with women. Bodies are beautiful regardless of figure. Whether boys or girls sexual problems can be prevented by helping children revel in their body. Girls have a right to say “NO” to unwanted advances – including those of her parents. A Child who is obliged to submit to hugs and kisses may grow up to be a woman who cannot refuse or say no.
A child who develops a strong sense of self and respect for one’s body sense – space will in turn treat the feelings and bodies of other people with respect.
